Trashy, Useless, Worthless.

I'm here to express my feeling. November is not a month for us and being a year together is even harder. Never thought that he gave up in this early stage. I know been following my worse attitude this days. Or as he describe as my "ego" I know I'm hard to be with. But I just want someone to be with me at my worse. I dont know if there is that someone in this world would be? Never will anyone understands me. As I know right now. The only person that makes me happy is him and I cant afford to lose him. I wish Im strong like other girls do. By leaving and hang up without having the urge to call back or making things okay. I wish Im the type who can move on without any difficulties and I really wish that leaving is as easy as it says. I just want to settle down and stick with one. After Ive made a huge mistake last time. I learn that its not easy to stay strong and continue relationships after every fight. I dont want to lose anybody I love anymore. After all we have been through. But sometime I, myself dont understand me. Ive been used, fucked, played,hurt and lied to all this past things still a part of my phobia. How can I just leave them behind and just move on. Maybe someone I love has done this before. Maybe thats the reason why. I just one a someone that can make me happy, my parents happy and no, not because of $$$. Its just need a simple care, Love, Trust and Respect. No guy has never respect me as a girl. Everybody either beats me up or just fucked me up with vulgarities and make a shame of me, calling me a whore/slut. nah its okay. I just take it and pretend that Im okay with me eventho Im in deep hurt. Can you imagine a person you really love calls you that and you can stupidly still stay with me. Call me stupid but I stay because I love him so much that I let him hurt my feeling, myself. After he lie that he wants to meet his aunty but actually he went to meet his camp mates at Clarke Quay. I still stayed with him till now. I know if other girls are in my shoes they will simply fuck off and find someone better. But no. I stayed. I told myself Im prepare all the good and bad faith that gonna be entering this relationship. I'll be strong if I'm not.I told myself I wont give up eventho Im at the edge off giving up. I will stay strong just for us. Ive cut down my cigg for him. From 10 -8 sticks per day to 4-3 sticks. And that dont even appreciate him. Two things I will never quit/cut down. Clubbing and smoking. But for him. I already have. Even my past ex hates me going club I still went. But I dont know why with Syuqrie Im able to quit. Cause I love him more then my 2 years ex. I will not lie. He's better than Faiz. In every way. Even if he swear to me more than faiz do. I dont know if he's the right guy but I hope he is.Cause I dont bother to find and date back to square one. Ive never been happy with a guy before. If he let me go ones more. I dont know what to do. Im just sad really sad. I'm typing this while tears flowing down my cheeks. Shall end here.
Good night.

I miss how happy I am like in this picture.